What if....
>> Sunday, September 20, 2009
When She Says She Has A Boyfriend
As you well know by now, I have issued a standing invitation to each and every one of you to send me your main "sticking points", "high quality problems" and/or whatever you want to call the issues you face as you move toward excellence with women.
And every day I continue to get amazing insightful e-mails and MySpace messages from many of you.
One of the themes I am seeing time and again revolves around the whole concept of a woman announcing that she "has a boyfriend" when you meet her and ask for her phone number. And that's the one we're going to get to the bottom of today.
The focal point of the conversation might go something like this:
Guy: "What do you say we get to know each other better?"
Woman: "That sounds good, but I don't think that I can let ya."
Guy: "I don't know, tell me is it so...do you get a kick outta telling brothers 'no'?"
Woman: "No it's not that, see, you don't understand. How should I put it...I GOT a man."
Guy: "What's your man got to do with me?"
Woman: "I've GOT a man."
Guy: "I'm not trying to hear that, see?"
I'd have given you a buck if you could have told me it was "Positive K" who made those words (in)famous. And even though I can't believe those lyrics are fifteen years old, the conversation itself is A LOT older than that.
Clearly, when you hear this sort of response from a woman you are being faced with a clear objection to your interest in her. But as we're about to find out, that can be for at least three reasons.
Once you have a handle on WHY women tell you they "have a boyfriend", you can calibrate to the situation more effectively on a case-by-case basis rather than being stopped dead in your tracks every time.
So let's go over those three reasons.
1) Maybe she DOES have a boyfriend
Whether Positive K is trying to hear it or not, sometimes the straight-up truth is that the woman really is in a committed relationship. Moreover, she's actually interested in remaining faithful to the guy she's committed to.
Now, you'd think this would signal the end to a very short conversation on the matter.
But guess again.
Given the nature of how we operate around here, we get e-mails from both men and women. As we read through them, we tend to discover amazing patterns.
One of the more amazing ones is how we tend to get e-mails from guys who AREN'T able to date/get to know/hook up with women because they have boyfriends.
Yet, the women tend to write us because they ARE dating/getting to know/hooking up with a guy who's already "taken".
To quote an old Warner Brothers cartoon, "It just don't add up."
We have no idea why women in particular let themselves get emotionally tangled with some married guy to begin with. Then again, we have no idea why guys want to get into a mess like that either.
Here's the deal. If you find out she's really got a boyfriend (let alone a husband), then trying to get her to compromise that relationship means you're asking her to compromise her character and become a cheater. And if she's a cheater, you want no part of her because she'll cheat on you just as easily when the next effective PUA comes along.
Believe me. We tell women this story ALL THE TIME. Yet, we keep getting e-mails...hopeful ones. It's nuts.
So what if you're in a situation where a woman in your social circle has a boyfriend, but you're in a position to interact with her often?
The answer is to banter and be your devastatingly attractive self all the while, realizing that MOST boyfriends get broken up with. Were that not the case, we'd al be married by fifth grade or something, right?
So don't actively push her to breakup with her boyfriend. This will just irritate her, and it comes off as completely self-serving. Neither trust nor comfort is achieved there.
I also don't advocate going "under the radar" in an attempt to subvert her relationship with her boyfriend either. You know what I mean. For example, listening to her rants about her boyfriend and agreeing that she should be treated better, but that she should "give him a chance" or something because some guys need time to "mature" or whatever.
By keeping your masculine, confident presence up and not kissing up to her, you stay out of the Friend Zone which is exactly what keeps your equity up for the future when she breaks up.
And when she does, act FAST. Don't sweat her getting back together with the guy or becoming her "rebound relationship". Those are risks you have to take, but which also can be mitigated by knowing how to attract a woman. Meanwhile, this could be the ultimate case of "you snooze, you lose". Mark this: You weren't the only guy on a "breakup watch" there.
2) Most socially connected, attractive women have "boyfriends"
If a woman is socially connected and considered attractive by a healthy percentage of guys, she'll almost always have a "maxed out" address book in her phone.
